Breaking news: John Key promises radical law changes to secure Hobbit

-
10.40pm UPDATE: Reports have just come through that Robyn Malcom has just been deported to Australia and stripped of her New Zealand citizenship. Journalists reported seeing her being dragged, chained by blue trolls through Auckland airport.

--------------------

After secret closed door meetings between John Key, Gerry Brownlee and a delegation of Warner Brothers executives the Government have announced sweeping new law changes in exchange for the company keeping The Hobbit in New Zealand.

Speaking at a press conference late on Tuesday night the Prime Minister and Sir Peter Jackson outlined a new law that will be introduced under urgency in Parliament on Wednesday morning and is expected to pass into law by the end of the week.

In comments to media John Key said that the Hobbit Enabling Bill had been drafted to ensure industrial certainty and a profitable economic environment for Warner Brothers.

"The Hobbit Enabling Bill when passed into law will designate all workers' unions as terrorist organisations under the Terrorism Suppression Act and participation in collective bargaining a criminal offence punishable by hanging.

"The Hobbit Enabling Bill will also remove all workers' rights completely from the statute book. From now on no worker has a right to annual leave, sick leave, the right not to be unfairly dismissed or to a minimum wage.

"For some occupations we will require more certainty than ever before. To ensure the producers economic certainty all actors shall be required to work for a set naximum wage of $2 per hour with no additional benefits.

"We've also looked carefully at the tax system and will reduce the corporate tax rate to 0% for any international corporation. Of course this may impact our social services such as healthcare but we will make this shortfall up by slave labour provided by unemployed actors."

Sir Peter Jackson also present at the press conference told assembled journalists about new media laws.

"All old episodes of Cambell Live will be destroyed, especially those episodes where I gave any assurances that Warner Brothers are not just playing for tax breaks (We have never asked the Government for increased tax breaks and I don't believe that Warners will 7min50s)."

"New statues will be created around the country to honour the humble Weta technician who has proudly stood for the rights of multinational corporations to exploit New Zealand workers."

Summary of Hobbit Enabling Act:
  • Unions are illegal terrorist organisations.
  • Participation in collective bargaining is illegal and can be punished by hanging.
  • All workers rights will be deleted from the statute book.
  • Actors maximum pay is $2 per hour.
  • New corporate taxrate of 0% for international corporations.
  • Old episodes of Campbell Live to be destroyed.
  • New statues to be built to our heroic Weta technicians.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Jacinda Ardern’s Resignation Is Anything But Simple - It’s Time For The Left To Organise

-
Image
Interview with Joe Carolan by Jennifer Pannell. The sudden resignation of Jacinda Ardern, the Prime Minister of New Zealand and Labour Party Leader, on the 19th January this year was a shock to many around the world. She was held up by the global mainstream press as a beacon of strong and empathetic leadership in the face of numerous crises throughout her two terms. In her emotional resignation speech, she gave little hint as to why she was stepping down, stating “having reflected over summer I know I no longer have that bit extra in the tank to do the job justice. It’s that simple.” ' As a socialist, Joe, what’s your analysis of why Ardern resigned? There is a narrative that as a female Prime Minister, she experienced vicious, relentless trolling - death threats and attacks from a deeply misogynistic far-right led mob, who thought she was a dictator, a tyrant, a Communist. This is similar to the ideology used by the far-right in many other countries; in America, in Ireland, etce
Read more

Commentary fron an American member of Socialist Aotearoa

-
Image
My Two Cents By Laura Hardin As with any presidential election, the American pubic will once again be asked to head to the polls to test which campaign slogans proved more effective. We can either vote for the fairy tale of “hope and change” or we can cast our vote for the “Maverick’s from Main Street.” The McCain/Palin ticket has just recently been trying to lure the middle class with their new Main Street myth, an attempt to portray themselves as sympathizers who understand how this economic crisis is affecting the majority of America. In the Vice Presidential debate last Thursday Palin said that credit markets is where "mainstreeters like me" would feel the effects of the meltdown. And earlier last week, presidential nominee John McCain said of the bailout, “The first thing I’d do is say, ‘Let’s not call it a bailout. Let’s call it a rescue,’ Because it is a rescue. It’s a rescue of Main Street America.” You know what you’ll find on most Main Streets in most American towns
Read more

The Rainbow Rejects the Thin Blue Line

-
Image
While the French are rising up against their government and being confronted with armed police and tanks , Auckland’s queer community are in the midst of a small battle of their own.  Thursday December 6th saw the debate about whether or not to allow an oppressive force to march in full uniform in a parade commemorating the struggles of the queer community against a colonial state reach its zenith. Last month, after multiple opportunities for community consultation , the Board given the task of organising February 2019’s Pride Parade let police know that they are welcome to march alongside the LGBTQ+ community, under the one condition that, if they choose to do so, they are not welcome to wear their uniforms. This kicked off a series of melodramatic but necessary events which have seen the withdrawal of the Police, military, and several major corporate sponsors from the Parade .  For some reason, this is considered controversial. The culmination of this supposed crisis
Read more